Oil Can Boyd tries another comeback
By Tim Kurkjian

The comeback of 45-year-old Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd for the Brockton Rox of the independent Canadian-American League was only seven innings old (no runs, eight strikeouts), and already big things were in the works.

“I’m writing a book,” said the Can. “But it’s going to be hard because every day, a new book starts. We’re even talking about movie rights: The ‘Oil Can’ Boyd Story. The newspapers here said Denzel [Washington] or Jamie Foxx might be best to play me, but I’ll probably have to play me because as we know, there’s only one ‘Oil Can’ Boyd.”

Indeed. Dennis Boyd was 78-77 in his 10-year major-league career, which ended in 1991. There was never a dull moment, whether he was throwing shutouts (he had 10), screaming about something or speaking a language that few could understand. But it was always fun being around him.

When a Red Sox game was postponed due to fog – in Cleveland – it was the Can who said, “That’s what you get for building a ballpark on the ocean.” It was the Can who was not allowed to leave spring training in Winter Haven until he returned some overdue adult movies, which he eventually did, but not before one member of the Red Sox family, in the greatest line ever, called the incident The Can Film Festival.

The game is better when the Can is playing. Now he’s back, pitching at one of the lowest levels of professional baseball. He says he wants to get back to the big leagues. He says he’s throwing 90 mph, which is what he threw when he was at his best. He says he weighs 157 pounds, only slightly more than in his prime in the late ’80s.

“I have a couple of love handles,” he says, “but other than that, I haven’t changed much.”

Indeed, he hasn’t. He’s still the fun-loving Can, the guy who talks incessantly, who has no need for periods or commas.

Here’s a snippet of the Can talking:

“I’m doing this because I can. Secondly, I’m doing this because I love it. I have an opportunity to show what I can still do. This is a traveling circus. People will still pay to see me play. I just have to polish it up. I want to bring joy to people across the country. We’re talking about starting a barnstorming team, with the ‘Oil Can.’ So I’m going to kick my leg up and show I can still do it. My arm is still sound. I haven’t stopped throwing. It hasn’t been high-intensity throwing. Three or four days a week I play long toss. I’ve thrown a lot of BP to junior Legion ball kids. I was at about 65 percent. I had to turn it up.

“I just woke up one morning and I could flame again. I have longevity. The Lord gave me the ability to do this. He gave the ability to maintain this. I threw through the pain. I heard a story about a guy who had a dead arm, and he wound up pitching until he was 59 years old: Leroy Paige. My father had a relationship with him. They played together in the Negro League. My uncle once pitched against Satchel Paige. He beat him in a game, 1-0.

“When I was a kid, about 12 or 13, I’d watch 45-year-old and 50-year-old men pitch. They showed me how to trick people. One of those men, Early Moore, is 68 years old and he’s still pitching. He coached the semipro team that I played for, he’d come in and close the game. He threw changeups and breaking balls. His fastball was as fast as his changeup because he was an old man. But no one could hit him. That was willed down to me.

“I threw an eephus pitch when I was a kid. I tricked kids in Little League. It was so cute. They’d say ‘that little boy can’t be hit.’ I learned how to change speeds. Those Little League boys looked real bad. I always had good control. I still do. I used to warm up throwing a ball through a tire hanging from a tree. I threw rocks at cans on top of a fence post from 100 feet away. It was real primitive stuff, but that’s how I developed my control.

“I would love for a major-league team to give me an opportunity. I’d like to give something back. I know I can do as well as anyone right now. It’s a lot easier pitching now than it used to be. The nervousness has gone away, I know how to calm myself down. I used to talk to myself so much. Now, my body just does it. I have mastered me. So, send me to [Triple-A] Pawtucket. Send me to A-ball. I don’t care. Just send me anywhere to pitch.”

Yes, the game is better when the Can is playing.

Defendant: Swiss Gold, Inc.

Count 1: Misdemeanor misspelling of “diamond.”
Count 2: Misdemeanor misspelling of “diamond” when you are in a business that centers around diamonds.
Count 3: Omission of “gold” so as to create “carat” and “karat” confusion.
Count 4: Rendering all errors permanent by affixing them to granite on the side of a large retail structure.
Count 5: Displaying spelling errors in a high-traffic public venue.
Count 6: Coming to work every day, for who knows how long, and not noticing this.

Via

I am pleased to report a banner year for Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries.

Our earnings in 2004 reflect our commitment to a proactive and aggressive policy of standing outside the 14th Street Chase Bank and holding the door for people.

I credit our success to a simple and effective business model: Hold the door open for people leaving and entering the bank, because that’s where the money’s at.

Last year’s growth trend was no accident, and can be attributed to the fact that by standing in the same place every day during bank hours, we created a rapport with people entering and leaving the building. In other words, we built our brand, and in this business brand is everything. This is in direct contrast to our operations during the previous years in which we wandered dazed and bleeding down 2nd Avenue on an irregular basis.

As evidenced by last year’s outstanding performance, the one-location business model is a key to success in our industry.

In addition to optimizing our location, we introduced our new tagline: Please help me. We noticed a marked difference in returns after the introduction of Please help me, and have permanently phased out Quarter Quarter Quarter which, frankly, was never much of a focus group darling.

In the year ahead we will have our challenges, to be certain. There’s a pregnant teen outside Emack & Bolio’s seeking our clients. There’s been some hostility with the bank management. And I am bleeding. But these are all things that can be worked out.

Frankly, I am not concerned. We have the savvy and reputation that others in our industry lack. And we provide a valuable door-holding experience that Shrieking Pete does not.

I look forward to the year ahead. Under my stewardship I believe we can expect Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries to grow even more. I’m proud of where we are today, and I have you to thank for it.

Please help me,

Tavis E. Williams
Chairman and CEO
Standing Outside The 14th Street Chase Bank Holding The Door For People Industries

Via

5th Annual Duck Brand Duct Tape Prom Contest

Contest will award the winning couple $5000 for college scholarship.

1) This is what I’m talking about…both are looking real sweet.

2) I would guess that what we have here are some homeschoolers. Way to represent.

3) They’d get my vote. The angled bottom of the dress plus she’s got that sweet sleeve action.

4) He hasn’t had anything to drink yet. You’d think these confederates were from Bama or something, but they’re actually from Texas.

Lot’s more entries here…

From one2believe, messengers of faith…Jesus, David, Mary, and Moses.

- Collectible talking figures that recite Bible verses
- 12″ tall, highly detailed and fully posable.
- $24.99 plus $9 shipping

Taking preorders…expected ship date is June 1, 2005.

>>> $35 is a little much for David with a mullet. <<<

Bettina Boateng
WCBD Count on 2
Tuesday, May 10, 2005

A Mount Pleasant congregation is dealing with the loss of their church after they say some one broke the locks off a trailer and stole it.

“We found the lock shattered on the ground and the simply took the trailer away.” Said Jeremy Howell Pastor of Point Hope United Methodist Church.

Standing in an empty parking lot minister Jeremy Howell describes what he saw Sunday, after one of his church members told him that their church, which was housed in a trailer, was gone.

“Our Alter was in that trailer, our hymnals were inside the trailer we had a lot that were close to our hearts, > said Howell.

Pastor Howell calls the trailer was their church on wheels.

When it was not in use it was parked at Mount Pleasant’s Tire and Auto specialist next to Highway 17 in plain view.

Every Sunday church members would pick it up and tow it to Jennie Moore Elementary where they would worship.

Church member Bill Yaeger was supposed to pick up the church on Sunday but when he arrived all he saw were tire tracks.

“It was kind of shocking, at first were as a congregation were mad, but then we realize that we just have to pull through,” said Yaeger.

Church officials say the trailer is a white challenger trailer made by homesteader.

It’s 10 feet long with three doors, two on the back and one on the side and it does not have a license plate.

At Phat Phree: The 50 Worst Hairstyles of All Time. A few examples:

#50 The Anchorman
This variation of the “comb-over” is as ugly as it is dishonest. How can you trust a man who can’t even tell the truth about being bald?

#41 The Driving Rain
The “wet look” is always a questionable choice, but all the more so if you’re Latino.

#37 The Super Idiot
Only an inbread hillbilly would try to grow a cape.

#27 The Wright Stuff
“I went to the barber shop and asked him to take a little off the top.”

#25 Black Hawk Down
This girl LOVES Inspector Gadget 2.

#18 The Avalanche
Don Sutton is one of only three people ever to wear the curley, white perm mullet-style. That is awful.

#13 The Traficant
Former Ohio Congressman James Traficant was convicted of bribery in 2002 while sporting a criminally bad hairpiece. Once again dishonesty from a guy with a wig… Who’d have thunk?

#3 The Final Solution
Purdue’s Gene Keady makes Hitler’s last hairstyle look even worse… As incredible as that may sound, the proof is in the photo.

Other notables: #1 went to Donald Trump, #4 when to Rosie

NEW YORK (AP) - CBS on Wednesday canceled “Judging Amy,”"Joan of Arcadia” and the Wednesday edition of “60 Minutes” as the nation’s most popular network tries to attract younger viewers.

“I think talking to ghosts may skew younger than talking to God,” Leslie Moonves, CBS chairman said.

CBS is trying two supernatural stories on Friday nights. “Threshold” features a team of experts called in when the Navy discovers aliens have landed in the Atlantic Ocean. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s “Ghost Whisperer,” reminiscent of NBC’s “Medium,” is about a woman who conveys messages from dead people to the living.

Mega-Ribbon
My Ribbon is Bigger Than Your Ribbon: Two times the width/length, four times the area, and eight times the funny.

Details:
- 16″ outdoor quality magnetic ribbon
- For use on cars, cabinets, fridges or any other magnetic surface

Price:
17.99

Make your own or order others.

“Now that is how you pimp a ride my friends. You can’t really appreicate the detail and artistry in this custom car detailing from a distance, so let’s move in for a closer look, shall we?”

“First, we’ll start at the Dodge Van with the VW Beetle riding piggy-back.”

“As you can see, on top of the Bug is a railing. A hatch has been cut into the top of it so someone can ride in the top and hold on! I’m guessing that this, and most likely all three of these vehicles were probably conceived for use in some some parade. Can’t you just see the Homecoming King and Queen in their formal duds riding atop this monstrosity waving at the parade watchers. The front of the van is where all the goodies are, though.”

“The most prominent feature is the cow skill mounted on the hood. Right behind it on the dash sits another, smaller skull of some sort just behind the windshield in front of the Mr. Potato Head. You’ll also notice an abundance of communication devices: an hold car horn & bell-speaker from a PA system (served on a cafeteria tray!) are present on the left and countless phones have been mounted everywhere, but seem to be in particularly high concentration on the right. I think the stainless-steel bed pan just to the right of the skull is a nice touch. Even the grill and bumper are detailed.”

“Along the grill just under the hood you can see compact discs sticking out and what appears to be the handle from an old, mini-dishwasher. Along the bumper there’s an ancient cell-phone, a miniature mailbox, a camera, and my personal favorite, the hind-end of a Slinky-dog. On the roof is even more fun!”

“The centerpiece is a cooking pot that has been inverted. Beneath it are slivers of a broken mirrorl carefully arranged to give the appearance that they are pouring out of the pot. The centerpiece is balanced on either side by some common items: identical aersol cans, white track lighting fixtures, spray-bottle nozzles and whatever that brown, rusted thing that appears on either side is. The glassware serves the purpose of symmetrical balance as well, present on both sides of the pot as it forms a semi-circle behind it. But the semi-circle is slightly skewed toward the right, which draws your eyes that way. You discover that the opposing hemispheres of the rooftop have their own focal points as well. The glassware point you toward the most obvious, namely, the large silver champagne fountain.”

“I like how the eyes of the little toy robot is peaking out over the rim of the fountain. You can see another phone is here, as well as a variety of plastic dinosaurs. Something which appears to a lawn-gnome is mounted just to the right of the fountain. No fountain is complete with a gnome nearby! The collection of spray-bottle nozzels is sparse and lacking symmetry, though, in comparison to the other side.”

“This side has more of the plastic toys: a duck in a top hat, Fisher-Price people, the hind-end of a long horn cow beside what appears to be that Indian cartoon chick from the Disney movie, and a non-Barney purple dinosaur. If you look really close to the far left of the photo, though, you can see Barney is here, too. He looks like his color has faded a lot, though.”

More photos…