Mark “No NCAA” Townsend for US Senate
Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
Mark “No NCAA” Townsend is running for the Alabama U.S. Senate seat currently held by Senator Jeff Sessions. Townsend resides in Haleyville, AL and works as a truck driver.
Townsend and Charles Bishop
Townsend ran for the Democratic nomination for governor in 2002 using the nickname “Rodeo Clown.” He’s a truck driver, not a rodeo clown, but the nickname apparently got voters’ attention. He finished third in a five-candidate field. It should be noted that Townsend claims he finished 2nd since Charles Bishop quit the race. Don Siegelman captured over 331k votes, Bishop 80k, and Townsend 9,890.
Townsend writes:
The truth is I finished second because Charles Bishop pulled out of the race before the game was over and joined the republicans. It may be time for Mr. Bishop and myself to handle our differences under Winston County Rules.
Facts in Winston County:
1. If someone treats your mother without respect, you fight.
2. If someone calls you a chicken, you take the challenge or fight.
3. If someone calls you a sissy, then you are one if you don’t fight.
Facts:
Mr. Bishop and I both live in Winston County. He is a republican. I am a democrat. Mr. Bishop can simply admit that he was a quitter and I finished second or he must meet my challenge.
1. He can hit me 5 times with his fist and I will still pick him up and put him over my head.
2. He can let Jeff Sessions hit me 10 times and I will pick him up and put him over my head 5 times.
3. If I win Mr. Bishop has to stand on top of the Alabama State Capitol with a sign reading, “Sessions Is A Sissy .com”.
If he wins I stand on top of Alabama State Capitol in a pink dress.
NCAA
This time around he chose “No NCAA.” It’s more fitting because he sued the National Collegiate Athletic Association in 2001 over a variety of factors, including sanctions it imposed against the football programs at Auburn University and the University of Alabama. He didn’t get anywhere in federal court. He’s also complained about the NCAA football telecasts not showing college bands playing the national anthem before the games or performing at halftime. “I believe the National Collegiate Athletic Association is the devil’s pitch fork,” he said in a campaign announcement. Townsend writes, “I am running for U.S. Senator of the Great State of Alabama because I believe in 1906 NCAA was not created. They evolved from the same system of government created by the Roman and British Empires. I believe these systems of government were evil.”
His website is full of awesomeness! First off, the website is Sessions Is A Sissy.com. It’s full of NCAA hate, Republican conspiracies, and stories of his life.
Campaign Manager
Rex’s mother was my baby sitter. Rex cooked popcorn for 25 years at Haleyville. Some republicans accused him of stealing $6 and told him he could not cook popcorn for Haleyville any more. This broke Rex’s heart. Rex now wears a Deshler Tiger hat all of the time. Some people get over there hurts in different ways. Rex’s mother and daddy both passed away this year. Rex hates the NCAA. I now have a campaign manager:
Mark “No NCAA” Townsend campaign headquarters
There is unending fun found on Townsend’s website:
- Story of when he jumped out to scare the mailman and could have died if he weren’t driving a VW van
- Can you be a Christian and be a Democrat? Sometimes we can answer the question with another question. Question 1: Does the Sun shine on Democrats too?
- He believes that we have never been to the moon and 9/11 was an inside job
